Im the worse than a beast.

Im sorry mummy and jenn for i have hurt you so so deep.

They are the ones who have remained by my side even when ive been hurting them again and again with my ignorance. im so sorry mummy, for being so oblivious to your feelings. i guess jenn is right. ive changed. my life seems to be revolving around my friends and fun more than anything else. i couldnt agree more that ive been neglecting my mum, my family. ive been returning home late, quarrelling with her because of that, and have even labelled her as a bitch. i never used to do that, i never thought i ever will. im not the same anymore. i remember that i used to complain to jenn about so-and-so for being so lifeless, for being a loser. i think now im no different from her. im slowly turning into someone id never want myself to be. ive always thought that my life would be better now that i have freedom but i guess i was wrong. now that i have freedom, ive lost everything i once had. everything that i should have cherished but i didnt. and look at what ive done, ive hurt my mum once again. for blogging about how she could have been a better mother when she is already the bestest bestest mother in this world. and telling the whole world how she has overworked her authority over me when i knew it all along that she gives me more freedom than any mothers would have given their children. how could i ask for more, when god has already sent me the best. how could i not be thankful and yet still have the cheeks to complain about it. i dont want to be the reason why shes becoming so upset. i want to be the filial daughter she has always wanted me to be. i want to stop my crap and grow up.

thank you jenn for that post. it allowed me to understand how much my mum has done for me, how she should be the most important person in my life and not some stupid crush who will never do as much for me as my mother would. she did not work so hard her whole life so that i would label her a bitch. she worked so hard to give me nothing but the best. thats because she didnt know that having her as my mother is already the sweetest thing that has happened to me.

ive never really showed any appreciation to her before. instead, i blamed her for not doing better. im sucha horrible person. i always complain that she never tries to understand my position, but now that i think of it, ive never tried to understand hers too. :(

Today i saw her break down infront of me, i heard her tell me how heart broken she was when she read my blog, i felt how upset and disappointed she was, i thought she would love me no more, i knew i went over her limits. She only wanted my companion, she only wanted my acknowledgement for all her hardwork, she only wanted me to be thankful of her. but i was too busy to even try. she wants no credits, she only wants me to understand her reasons for doing what she does. but i was too angry to even try. she worked so hard, not for herself, but for her children, and she has never complained about how tough her life is. she knew she doesnt have to do this for us but she did it anyway cause she wanted to provide us with the best. and why havent i been there for her when she needed me most? cause i was too lazy to even try.

As for Jenn, im sorry. and apologising seems like the only thing i can do now. i just want you to know that it was never my intention to hurt you over and over again. i know you've been hiding your feelings for me pretty well. i know that you've been suppressing them just because you want me to be happy. just so you know, if you think that ill be happy without you in my life, you're wrong. it will only make me feel more miserable. i want to maintain the impression you have of me. i dont wanna change anything between us. i still want to be your friend even if we dont work out as an item. i dont want to be the cause for all your unhappiness and disappointments. but if you think you cant give me what i want, i wont blame you cause its entirely my fault for letting sucha great guy like you go. i hope you can forgive me and start talking to me again, like how we used to.

So what if im becoming prettier, so what if i have longer hair now, so what if i mix with the coolest people in school, so what if i have more clothes than 3/4 of the school population. SO WHAT? ive lost 2 of the most important people in my life. and now, i feel like a real loser.

after writing this post, i feel like ive dropped a whale off my chest.
i feel like a whole new person, all ready to be a more loving daughter. :)
I LOVE MY MUMMY!